


Deprived of Light You Shine

by queuedepoisson



Category: Jonas Brothers
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Consent, First Time, Infidelity, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Poly Mentioned, Sibling Incest, Time Skips, Wives Mentioned/Brief Appearance, angst on angst on angst, aside from the obvious, but not completely accurate, by way of emotions not drugs, kids and family, past Nick/Joe, ruined orgasm, that is resolved with honesty, to balance out the initial dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 19:56:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21142322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queuedepoisson/pseuds/queuedepoisson
Summary: October 2013Kevin wasn't great, wasn't even the stale version of okay he had been this morning, but Joe was another thing entirely. He'd seen Joe hurt, physically, emotionally, romantically, but nothing like what he witnessed in that room, a crucial Joe-ness missing, crushed down or swallowed up. No one could hurt Joe that deeply other than his brother.February 2015They were moving on, in a good way. Settling into new lives. It wasn't a bad day to be 'formerly of the Jonas Brothers.' Looking out the window at the sunny brisk day, compacted ridges of snow on the side of the road, Kevin said as much. "Things don't suck, you know?"March 2018They were, most simply, dealing with their shit.





	1. October 2013

**Author's Note:**

> No, you spent a bus ride watching Chasing Happiness and ended up crying. Really, I went to the show, got a ton of Kevin feelings, watched the doc, got a ton of angst feelings, and this is the sad sexy brainchild of the two. I know Joe/Kevin canon fic in the year twenty nineteen is a niche of a niche of a niche but I hope it brings joy to someone other than the handful of Jonas friends I forced to read this. You're all pals though for dealing with me being late to every party.
> 
> I probably have another dozen Joe/Kevin ideas with significantly less emotional turmoil, so let's hope some of those see the light of day. Come find me on twitter and help me stay hype if that is something you'd want.
> 
> Oh and yes, I'm titling a fic about Joe Jonas with a Frank Iero lyric and I recognize the irony but good luck trying to stop me.

He hadn't thought things were going so bad. Like they definitely weren't going great, but they were okay. Kevin probably should've realized okay meant bad to Nick, anything less than amazing was a disaster. Maybe Kevin _was_ distracted, disconnected, if he hadn't registered the level of not great they had reached, but that's the thing. It's not that the band and the tour and the new album weren't important to him, they just weren't the only important things going on in his life.

What Nick had said tonight though. Now Kevin saw how preoccupied he had been, everything he brushed off that Nick couldn't. There definitely were things to talk about except there hadn't been a lot of talking. After Nick finished his initial address, "I don't want to do this anymore and I won't," the silence in the room was so consuming, a blackhole pulling them inside out, that Kevin tried to fight against it, fill the quiet. He wasn't as good at it as Joe normally was, but their roles were all mixed up in the eerily still chaos. Joe didn't look at either of them, not able to get past single words that he muttered, more to himself than anything. Kevin attempted to give voice to those words anyway, shape them into questions. Nick's replies got shorter, definitive, resolved.

Nick even tried to turn the questions back on them, like this was the moment to defend their actions over the last three years. Joe stared at the door when he finally spoke up, but it certainly wasn't what Kevin was expecting. "I have nothing to say to you."

Everything swirling in his mind regarding the band was set to the side in an instant, it could wait. His body allegedly remained in the room, having a conversation that was about Nick, but all of his concern pivoted to Joe. There was never a time in the 24 years Joe had been alive that he had nothing to say. There were times Kevin wished he could remember what those first two years of peace must have been like, times he considered gently suffocating Joe to briefly know what it might be like again. This wasn't one of those times. Even though Kevin wasn't alone in being blindsided right now, he felt alone nonetheless, with no window into Joe's mind. It would've been fair to pummel Joe with as many questions as Kevin had Nick, but all that came out was a stuttered "W-what?"

Joe locked eyes with him for a full ten seconds. In that moment, loneliness gave way to fear as Kevin's predominant emotion, because he didn't see his brother there. There weren't tears there, or anger, or sadness, at least not near the surface. Nothing but emptiness. It was like looking into a well and knowing with certainty there was a frightened child all the way at the bottom but hidden beyond his sight where Kevin wasn't sure he could find him. He should've been holding on tighter.

And then Joe broke the stare to turn to Nick instead. "You want to be done? Fine, we're done."

Joe left the room, doors crashing behind him one after another, as he left the building. Kevin was still sitting dumbstruck on the couch when Nick left the room, like Kevin wasn't worth saying anything else to. Like he was barely part of the conversation to begin with. Nick was probably talking to Dad again. There would be things to handle, from dismissing everyone for the day from rehearsal to cancelling, well, everything. Tickets, appearances, contracts, there had to be people that could handle it because Kevin wanted as little to do with it as possible. He would sign whatever he needed to sign, but you shouldn't have to put in that much effort to tear your own heart out.

His heart. He should call Dani. To tell her what though? It was like having felt the earthquake but without knowing which buildings remained standing. Maybe it wasn't even over, and the tremors would hit him mid-sentence. She didn't need that stress, especially right now. He would tell her tomorrow when he had a better idea of what it all actually meant.

There was a palpitation of guilt even though twelve hours of omission wasn't keeping a secret. But he needed to do something other than sit on a couch in the side room of a rehearsal space they didn't need anymore. Something other than the nothing he apparently was so guilty of lately. How had Joe found his legs even to get up?

He thought of Joe and another palpitation racked his chest. Kevin wasn't great, wasn't even the stale version of okay he had been this morning, but Joe was another thing entirely. He'd seen Joe hurt, physically, emotionally, romantically, but nothing like what he witnessed in that room, a crucial Joe-ness missing, crushed down or swallowed up. No one could hurt Joe that deeply other than his brother, and maybe that meant only a brother could help. Maybe he was wrong, maybe not anymore, but Kevin had to try.

* * *

Kevin tried calling first, but unsurprisingly, Joe's phone was turned off. No one was missing from the studio to have driven Joe anywhere, so he must have taken a cab. Joe wouldn't be reckless enough to go out in public completely alone in this state, or at least that was Kevin's hope, so he went back to the hotel, fingers crossed.

The brothers didn't share rooms anymore, but getting a key to Joe's room was as simple as asking. Easy to find, two doors down from his own. Getting a key card turned out to be a waste of time anyway as Kevin came up to the door, a discarded shoe stuck between the door and the frame. The lights were off, the roar of television static so loud it hurt his ears.

Kevin cautiously opened the door, taking care to be quiet as if anything less than shouting would be heard over the static. There were more clothes thrown against the door on the other side and a thrown-open suitcase in the hallway. He tripped a little on it trying to make his way around and thudded into the wall. This was already going great.

"Fuck off!" The voice sounded hoarse from crying, maybe screaming.

"It's Kevin!" he shouted back.

"Well, then…" Kevin rounded the corner and saw Joe laying face down in the bed, the room a mess of clothes thrown everywhere, the product of some rage-induced packing maybe. He approached the foot of the bed slowly like Joe might spook. "Fuck off slightly less then, I guess."

Kevin laughed mirthlessly. "What if I had been Dad?"

"Well then I guess I would have just told Dad to fuck off." Joe rolled over and barely propped himself up on an elbow. His eyes weren't red like he had been crying, but he appeared more exhausted than ever. They hadn't even been apart an hour and yet the toll of this and the strange low light made his face look sunken. "I bet he's a little too busy to be making house calls right now. Besides, it's not like he wasn't part of this. Nick's been hogging him all day. Dad knew what he was about to do."

Kevin tried to telegraph that he was going to sit on the bed, waiting for a reaction to stop. Joe simply raised his eyebrows and shook his head like 'it's a free country, do what you want, no one cares what I want anyway.' It made him look like back when they shared a room and Joe was on the cusp of comprehending why maybe Kevin wanted personal space boundaries sometimes. For a brief flash, it made him look young.

Sitting on the bed, Kevin was able to find the remote and hit mute. Screaming at each other wasn't going to make anything better. The room was lit only by the flickering snowy screen. "I don't know if that's fair. Dad's trying to do right by all of us I guess and it doesn't seem like there's a way to do that right now."

Joe rolled his eyes and flopped back on the bed, at least not suffocating himself in his pillow anymore. "Thanks for the dad-ly advice there."

"Getting a head start…"

"Right. Of course." Joe directed everything at the ceiling, voice flat. "Guess you'll be happy to get out of here, back to New Jersey and your real life."

There probably wasn't enough light to make it out even if Joe had bothered actually looking at him, but Kevin scrunched his face up in disbelief. "Is that what you got out of that? Were you in the same room I was in?" Kevin really hadn't needed to be there if Joe was that focused on Nick even when staring Kevin in the eye.

"Yeah, I was there, I think. I don't know anymore. Everything just feels like a bad dream right now. Not real. Numb. I don't even know if you're here anymore."

Kevin kicked his shoes off into the mess of the corner, and shoved himself up against Joe in the bed. "I'm here, okay? I want to be here, nowhere else is as important right now." Joe wriggled like he was deciding on whether to roll away or into Kevin. In the darkness, not facing each other, not faced with those empty eyes, Kevin could admit how scared he had been. "I've never seen you like that."

"I tried crying. I tried making myself cry." Joe's laugh was watery and he gave in to facing Kevin. The tracks of tears were barely visible as they made their way into Joe's end of day stubble. "Look, you're helping, I guess."

Kevin gathered Joe up in a hug tight against his chest, balling up some of Joe's tank in his fist. He needed some part of Joe he could hold fast to. "Is making you cry really helping?"

"You didn't. You've never made me cry." Kevin snorted softly because that was definitely not true. He pelted his brothers in the nuts with snowballs, closed doors in their faces, stolen prized possessions as leverage. But did any of that truly count in the long run? Kevin's approval had never mattered as much to Joe as Nick's. That was something they'd both lost tonight.

It hadn't occurred to Kevin why he hadn't cried yet either. He could've broken down in the car, a bubble of safe solitude, anonymous to the other drivers. There was the risk that if he started, he wouldn't be able to stop. Maybe it was unrealistic to hope he could wait until he got home to New Jersey.

He didn't have words of wisdom or comfort. He had spent the drive searching for something that would help but his mind was as empty static as the TV. Now that he was here, all that made sense was to hold Joe and let even one of them begin to process. Face buried in a Kevin's neck, Joe would sniffle and stop for a moment but all it took was carding through Joe's hair for another sob to break through. He kept moving his fingers, on Joe's scalp, on his back, anything to remind him Kevin was still there for him.

The shoulder of Kevin's t-shirt was soaked through and his neck damp too by the time Joe's ribcage stopped shaking in his arms. Kevin was happy to let Joe sleep there if he needed, but he slowly rose up as if from under a heavy weight. It felt like he was trying to talk, lips moving along Kevin's throat, but he couldn't hear it and it didn't matter anyway. He cooed "don't worry, it's okay" against Joe's hairline.

Joe finally lifted himself up enough to press his forehead to Kevin's, nose to nose, as he caught his breath. It was a little awkward when Joe moved them so they pressed lips to lips too, but there was something about this weird quiet liminal moment, between phases of their lives, lost together, closer than close, that maybe nothing else would be enough. Kevin was grateful to finally not feel so alone in this right now.

It took Joe's mouth opening against his for Kevin to realize he might have misunderstood some things from the last few minutes. Things that now viewed in near-hindsight might have been questions of permission and signals of intent, not fraternal promises. It was jarring enough that he neither kissed back nor jumped away, but there was no doubting whatever drag of lips along skin led up to this, it was meant to be a purposeful kiss now. His hands clenched on Joe's shoulders in a moment of panic. With a sickly wave of reminiscence, Kevin flashed back to how it felt on the giving end of an unrequited kiss. It was not a hurt he could bear to pass on to Joe as he was right now.

So he kissed back. Kevin parted his lips and Joe took what was given, licking into Kevin's mouth with intention, bringing a hand to Kevin's jaw. It was overwhelming, the force Joe was putting into it, desperate and needy and fervent, so Kevin tried to hold Joe at a distance by grasping what he could of Joe's hair. The objective to slow things down, make the kiss less dirty, was a complete bust. A moan escaped from Joe in the brief moment their lips broke contact and Kevin felt goosebumps roll over both of them.

It got less uncomfortable faster than Kevin expected, his body predictable to the cause and reaction, too disconnected to sense something amiss. His brain was so emotionally and physically tired that it quieted without a struggle. There was no pretending it was anyone else pressed against him, and it would have been another betrayal to even try. He could feel his body turn in on itself, not in disgust, but in an effort to still his hips, and that felt like a betrayal too.

When Joe straddled him, Kevin was disappointed in himself for being surprised. There was no such thing as enough for Joe, never satisfied. That was what Kevin should have focused on while he was getting stiff from Joe's sharp sighs and teeth, that they were on a path of escalation, and it was his responsibility to stop them.

Joe either didn't notice the jolt of shock or didn't slow down in spite of it, as he rutted against Kevin's stomach, cock even harder than Kevin's was. Kevin's shirt rode up, revealing tense muscles that couldn't decide whether to fight or flee. They should stop, Kevin repeated to himself but the words couldn't make it to his lips, busy as they were. The similarities between Joe's whines now and his crying earlier were too great for Kevin to retreat. Instead, Kevin wrapped his arms around Joe's midsection, not quite pushing their hips together but crushing Joe into him nonetheless. Pushing Joe away right now, writhing and keening, was as good as impossible, even if Kevin hated himself for it later, even if Joe hated him for it later.

"I got you, I'm here." Kevin whispered against Joe's collarbone, lips and teeth catching, tasting the salt of sweat and tears. "Whatever you need, it'll be okay."

Joe was in track pants so it took almost no effort for Kevin to reach between them and slide Joe's cock out. Stroking him meant less of Joe's grinding against Kevin, particularly against his own cock that was already too overstimulated and confused. This way maybe he could get him off faster and get Joe the endorphin rush he needed. Kevin held on to the rationalization that this was about Joe, not himself. Not how badly he still needed to be needed.

"Yes, please, yes," Joe babbled into Kevin's hair, his fingers twisted into the curls. Joe held his breath as the last few pumps of Kevin's hand brought him over the edge, but as he spilled onto Kevin's stomach, he exhaled, "Nick."

Cold water doused Kevin all over. He released his hold on Joe, arms limp at his sides. Joe took a few more gasping breaths but rather than rolling off Kevin, he folded himself over and began sliding down the bed until he was flat on his belly between Kevin's legs. The evidence of what had just happened was all over Kevin, cooling on his skin like melted wax, and Joe lapped at his own come while working his fingers quickly at Kevin's fly. What was going on with Kevin, what he had said, didn't seem to get through Joe's hyperfocus.

What was going on with Kevin didn't really get through to himself either. The processes were backing up in his brain. _This is wrong. This is sinful. Is this cheating on your wife? Are you going to tell her?_ If it was literally anyone else on any other day, he knew he would tell her right away, would be on the phone in tears by now. But there were other threads tangled in this. He didn't want to figure out what it meant, and yet it frustrated him that he couldn't because Joe's mouth was on him.

Joe's mouth that was warm and tight around his cock, working him over with confidence. It had been awhile since Kevin's last blow job but it was undeniably obvious that this wasn't Joe's first, fast and efficient and all-consumed by his task. More threads added to this knot. Kevin turned his head into the pillow like he could look away from the connections that said this was linked to a way bigger secret, and then tossed the other way as he tried to deny to himself that this was about anything but comforting Joe.

Regardless, the friction and pressure did their work on him. Kevin hated each small whimper that escaped him, his case for denial disintegrating, and hated how quickly he was going to lose the last bit of control he had in this situation, maybe the last bit of control he had at all over his brothers. His brain wanted to stop and his body wanted to finish. Both goals came crashing together at once.

Kevin's arms finally listened to his internal pleas and pulled Joe off of his cock by his hair. Maybe it was already too late or maybe the sad painful noise Joe made at the loss was the fucked up cherry on top that pushed him over, but Kevin couldn't stop it as his cock jerked against his stomach, untouched as he came with an unsatisfying lurch. The sticky mess covering him was doubled now.

As soon as Kevin let Joe go, defeated, Joe immediately began licking over his skin again, trying to clean Kevin up while making a bigger mess of Kevin's mind, skin prickled with how filthy he felt. What was left by the time Joe worked his mouth back up to Kevin's shoulders would dry there, uncomfortably matting the hair that dusted his lower abdomen. Every inch of Kevin felt uncomfortable and empty until Joe covered him in the duvet and himself.

Joe was the one to murmur sweet soothing promises now. It was a mix of his name, the right name now, and _I'm sorry_ and _I don't_. But what he didn't and what he was sorry for, it didn't matter.

"I said whatever you need, it's okay." Kevin had said he would be there for Joe and he had been.

* * *

About an hour after they fell asleep, Kevin woke back up, uneasy, queasy even. Joe looked relatively unscathed, back in his track pants as if Kevin's world hadn't suffered two major tectonic shifts in as many hours. Kevin rolled Joe off his arm so he could go to the bathroom, clean himself up.

How many times had Kevin wanted nothing but to be alone for a minute, to not be near Joe or Nick or the machine their family had become? He rubbed at his skin until it was pink with an over-bleached hotel towel and scalding water, not meeting his own eyes in the mirror. He probably would have spent the next four months feeling like that over and over again had they gone through with the tour, craving a minute's peace. He knew in leaving the hotel room now, he might lose that feeling forever, replaced by a bone deep loneliness he had never had to know.

He wanted to keep his promise, but Kevin couldn't be there for Joe in the morning. He wasn't sure which of them had thrown it away, but he didn't think he could ever be there for him again.


	2. February 2015

_It's amazing you can have such a big house and yet it can be so fucking crowded._ There was a lot more cursing in Kevin's internal monologue lately. Right when Alena was born, there was a lot of cursing in his external monologue, too tired for real words, but now she was the age you had to start watching what you say so it stayed in his head. His mom was there too so he couldn't curse anyway. Kevin was a little out of habit with the full force of the Jonas Family invasion. 

He saw his parents reasonably often, but normally one at a time because one of the other brothers needed a parent around for something too, Frankie most of all, of course. He saw Danielle's family more, which helped sometimes. He never saw Joe and Nick separately and from what they told him, they didn't see each other very often without him, never outside work. It was only when Family Life Events dictated they should all get over their shit that they would. One of the big pros and cons of having a kid is that those Family Events happen more often.

It would feel less crowded if everyone would move anywhere but the kitchen, as simple as spilling out onto the patio, but it was too cold for that this February. He mentioned turning the heaters on but everyone acted like it would be some kind of imposition, not a switch on the wall.

Nick was the farthest out, a satellite to the party. He was talking to one of Dani's Mommy and Me friends, flirting with no real intent. Merely enjoying being charming and talking to someone who wouldn't ask pointed questions, who he couldn't unintentionally wound with his responses. 

Joe, on the other hand, had been in the center of the event since he arrived, unwilling to put Alena down for even a second, private happy birthday serenades for just the two of them to make her giggle. It was to the point Dani was starting to feel a little upstaged with her own kid and she rolled her eyes at Kevin, grasping at straws for help.

He tried to be a good husband and a good dad, but spontaneous plan making wasn't in his tool kit for today. Dani huffed but rolled with it. She stood next to Joe while yelling across the kitchen island. "You know the extra case of wine I thought we had, I forgot we used that for the fundraiser. We're all out. Can you run to the store?" 

Both moms tried to jump in with an offer, but stopped when each of their kids cut them off with a glare. Kevin picked up his line next, stale and out of practice at acting. "Joe, you wanted to show me the new car. Sounds like a good time for that, right?"

Joe didn't even look up and replied in a sing-song, "And miss a moment with the birthday girl?" 

Dani elbowed her way in gently. "She needs a bath to wash all the cake off before presents so…", the look in her eyes praying that Joe would take a hint.

Joe gave her the courtesy of looking at least a little abashed for his role in the fistful of cake portion of celebrations. "Mid-party bathtime? Oh, to be one again." Frozen in the archway between the kitchen and the front door, Nick hid back like he was scared of being wrapped into this too, but Kevin led Joe out to the driveway through the garage door instead.

Joe's new car wasn't practical for a liquor store run but it didn't matter much. Likely, it was a fun car lease to go with a six-month New York apartment lease, neither meant to stick around long unlike Kevin's soccer-mom-approved SUV. It wasn't until they were backing out of the driveway, Joe rambling about how smooth the car drove when Kevin knew Joe couldn't tell a suspension from a carburetor and neither could he, that Kevin really added up how long it had been since he and Joe were alone together.

The best word for their relationship over the last six months was "careful." A text or two at a time, once or twice a week, enough to look like they were making an effort but nothing deep. With Kevin's weird second bout with reality TV out of his system, Joe was better at feigning excitement over random app projects and the idea of designing a new house. It was easier to be convincing over text that Kevin was as excited about the idea of Joe getting new music together, no matter how many times Joe assured him that it was super different, the "side project" he always wanted way back when, not "solo product."

They were moving on, in a good way. Settling into new lives. It wasn't a bad day to be 'formerly of the Jonas Brothers.' Looking out the window at the sunny brisk day, compacted ridges of snow on the side of the road, Kevin said as much. "Things don't suck, you know?"

"I've got a demo, you've kept a kid alive for a whole year, I'll let you decide which is the bigger accomplishment." Kevin arched a sarcastic eyebrow, knowing Joe would spare the glance to witness how his own joke landed, goofy smile across his face. He got more sincere when he concentrated on the winding road again. "For real, man, that kid's the best thing to ever happen to you. Probably the best thing to ever happen to me too. Thanks for making me an uncle."

Kevin wondered how it would have been different if that hadn't had a kid on the way when everything went to hell. It gave him something on the horizon to focus on, to keep going for. Not that there wasn't a cloud over him in those first months. Building cribs and painting nurseries all while internally beating himself up for every mistake he had made from eighteen years old on. He considered Joe from the passenger seat warily, because a lot of that scorn focused on what had been basically been their last interaction for months. Other than that night, all he had gotten was a nod and a disinterested "see you later" before he headed to the airport for his flight back to the east coast. He didn't see anyone again until soon after Alena was born.

It was in the days leading up to the birth of his first child that Kevin cracked and told Danielle what he could of the one secret he had ever kept from her. It felt awful to unload but Kevin couldn't begin his life as a father with that on his conscience. Her first reaction wasn't much reaction at all, having heard Kevin roll through the events of that day time and time again. Each time, she did her best to comfort him with measured sympathy while passing no judgement because she knew her perspective on it would never be the same as his. There was a dark hurt in her eyes as he finally told her what had happened between Nick's meeting and the next morning, as complete as he could. There were feelings in it Kevin still couldn't give words to and suspicions that he couldn't share, but he at least disclosed the broad actions.

She reminded him of the honesty they had promised each other but understood his hesitancy. There was no understanding the actual offense, only moving on from it. At least _she_ didn't stop talking to him. Then the baby was born and the months of sleep deprivation began, where there was no room for romance or fighting, simply a survival pact to keep the three of them alive and together. It sounded more dramatic than it was from the outside.

Maybe it had been the right choice to tell her when he did because it meant the information had time to process before they ever truly talked about it. It meant that Kevin had stepped back from the ledge he'd spent Christmas that year on, convinced some days he was never going to see his family again, this new family all he had left. It meant that while there wasn't a return to closeness amongst his family by any means, there was a new normal to settle into where brotherly grudges were set aside around the baby and picked back up when she went to sleep. But with each time, the weight of those grudges got easier to lift, to move around with. Danielle wanted them both to make it to the day those burdens were set down for good and all she could do to help with that was give her forgiveness for his infidelity.

"Joe, I know there's a lot of shit we don't talk about." Fuck, bringing this up was the worst idea, when everyone was having a good day, but what was he supposed to do? Wait for a bad day? Or for some day far in the future where Joe found out Kevin didn't keep his secret and they get to relive all the betrayal again? "And we don't need to talk about it, _really_. I just - you need to know Danielle knows what happened between us."

"What happened between us?" Kevin couldn't decide if Joe was playing dumb - which, dude, not the time - or if Joe was trying to remember some other fight that couldn't rank anywhere close to the transgressions of that night. "Oh, fuck. You mean -" Joe blanched a shade of white and slowed the car. Maybe he had blocked it from his memory with far more success than Kevin ever had managed.

"I was married. Am married, thank God for whatever he had to do with it. I'm sorry, I had to. But not everything. I mean, I told her what happened, I didn't say anything about what was said." About what Joe hadn't said, not really, and Kevin knew then why he was telling Joe this. There was a secret eating him up inside that he didn't even fully know was there, not with certainty. "It wasn't mine to tell."

Joe bought himself time by pulling his ridiculous car into a turn lane for an empty lot. It could pass for the middle of nowhere, but actually was another housing development in early construction. The idle thought floated through Kevin's head about whether he could do some consulting for them while Joe wrenched his hands from their grip on the steering wheel to ball his fists against his eyes.

"Nick and I, we used to - it was fucked up, okay? It fucked me up and I'm guessing it fucked him up, but he's got his little robot compartments to store that kind of shit in so I guess we'll never know. We'd already stopped, he put all of it behind him, before the first break, before you got married. It was so fucking easy for him to stop." Joe slammed his fist into his thigh. His lashes were wet. "That night, even with everything else, it was like him setting me aside all over again."

Kevin knew now what he had always known, that everything about that night was never about him. It hurt more than he expected. The number of times he tried to corral circling thoughts about whether he had let Joe take advantage of him or had he taken advantage of Joe's state of mind. Was either way about abdicating his share of the responsibility for it? Was it about in the end, under the layers of sin and self-denial, liking everything about it except where Joe hadn't said his name the way he said Nick's, that he wasn't someone to be longed for and wanted?

Joe spoke again. "It's not like I didn't know it was wrong, being even capable of feelings like that towards either of you, but I guess it comes easier when you are pushing through that barrier for the second time." He bit hard into his lip, an act of punishment to himself. "And now I've fucked you up too. I did it that night when I brought you into this too, because that's the real lesson of the band, share everything in the end.

So, are you going to tell Dani the rest of it now?"

"Do you think anything will ever happen again between you and Nick?"

Joe's laugh was hard and bitter. "Just because everyone is doing better doesn't mean things are actually good. Yeah, we're okay, but it's hard to imagine having a golf date in the future much less ever being close enough for... "

"Then no. I'm sorry I even brought it up. The past stays in the past. We've got to look forward now." Joe nodded and started the car again.

It wasn't entirely true, regretting the conversation. It wasn't a lightness that Kevin experienced, there was nothing about this that would ever be light, but it was like molten metal finally cooling, taking shape. There was a fragment in his side he would always be aware of, but at least it wasn't burning him alive anymore. Like muscle healing around a bullet, it was part of him now.

They made the rest of the ride to the liquor store in silence. At the next stop light, Kevin reached over to squeeze Joe's shoulder and remind him that silence was okay, could be companionable even. Being in each other's space didn't have to feel bad.

Kevin picked up a case of the usual Zin they probably had three others of in the cellar. Joe got distracted by a display of tequila, mumbling about the possibility of a post-kids-bedtime afterparty. Kevin doubted everyone wouldn't be sick of each other by then but it was a nice idea so they bought that too.

Before starting the ride back, Joe messed with the touchscreen in the car's dash until he got it to sync with his phone. Kevin felt a tinge of warmth that out of everyone there today, Joe wanted to share his new song with Kevin first. They listened to it twice and snippets of other songs Joe had been sent recently, and Kevin wasn't jealous of the sound at all, other than it sounded new and fun.


	3. March 2018

There was no one word to encompass the last six months of this project: making new memories, and unpacking a lot of old ones, sharing experiences, growing. They were, most simply, dealing with their shit.

Nick would never have agreed to it if he hadn't been made to feel like it was his idea from the beginning, from his team, but Kevin was better at being okay with that now and trusted Phil well enough on his own. It was originally meant to document some kind of closure they never had, but instead had morphed into the exact opposite, opening doors long shut between them. There were plenty of topics they couldn't talk about on camera, as always, or even in therapy, but there was still value to shining a light on everything around those deeper secrets. The indirect glow made them less dark.

But it hadn't all been dredging up the past. The best parts had been taking adventures as these new wholly realized adult-like people, with networks of support that extended far beyond their initial family unit that once was used as a reason to push everyone else out. Kevin couldn't remember the last time he and Nick could have a conversation, just the two of them, that wasn't about either Joe or his kids, and it wasn't like they suddenly had loads in common but it felt good to try. Even nicer was having that same alone time with Joe, since Nick had left Italy early for some shows in Asia. Kevin was grateful all he was juggling was a few recitals and a few days shooting schedule for host work.

It meant there was no Nick to shake a wagging finger at them for the calories in a second glass of whiskey (_dark booze, wasted calories,_ echoed in Kevin's head as he ordered), no one to drag them for a run hungover in the morning. Joe and Kevin were camped out on the back patio of a bar and had been for hours, a dark corner where they could laugh without anyone looking over.

Joe raised his glass to clink against Kevin's. It no longer counted as a proper cheers when you had already done it three times on the same round. But apparently it was a kind of an announcement, a bell to a new round of conversation, as Joe asked, "Do you feel any less fucked up yet through all of this?"

It was a dangerously maudlin path to go down and Kevin considered it for a moment, how to feint a way out of it maybe. Or maybe how to bulldoze right through it. So he went with his gut response: a joke with just a bit too much truth. "Overall, yeah, things feel better. But things we don't talk about, what about what you just can't unfuck?"

Joe snorted mid-sip and ended up doubled over with alcohol burning his nose, which was overall a pretty positive result. Even minutes later, Joe was crying uncontrollably while laughing and leaning into Kevin. "Can we really laugh about that now?" Joe asked, incredulous and yet hopeful.

"You know what Dani told me? Not right after but, like, years later. That what happened, _between us_," Kevin paused to make sure the emphasis specified the night he meant, "wasn't even the most fucked up thing about us. It's certainly not fucking normal, but in the scheme of things, the rest of our lives?"

Joe nodded his agreement against Kevin's shoulder. "We've had pretty fucking weird lives, she's not wrong."

"And it happening isn't what changed things." Kevin wasn't sure if he meant between Joe and Nick or Joe and himself, but it went for both anyway. He tilted his glass back and forth, watching the amber waterline shift in the glint of the string lights across the room, as he considered his next sentence and whether saying it aloud was a good idea. "If it happened again, I don't think anything would change now."

With a head tilt from Joe, their faces were very close. They weren't very drunk, merely the tipsy people liked to blame for decisions they'd already made sober. Joe blinked slowly, lashes standing out against his cheeks, richly bronzed from a day of boating and with obnoxious awareness of what bedroom eyes meant. "Is that a theory you want to test?"

Kevin had thought enough about it, talked about it with the one person he could, but never would have predicted how easily he could be tempted. The reach of consequences went farther now. "I know what it is to carry a secret like that, are you sure you want to do that to Sophie?"

Joe took a sip, moving away only as far as necessary. "Sophie knows everything about me. _Everything._. All of it." Kevin shook his head gently in disbelief but with a small grin because he was happy for his brother. To have someone he could be fully himself with, who didn't make him deny the weird, messy person he was. Kevin knew how much better, healthier it was to not carry that stuff alone.

With Dani, there was no clean slate beginning where he could tell her everything. He had barely begun to figure out half of who he was when they got married. It was clumsier, having to do that learning together, but they had and were stronger for it.

"And it's not like I'm hooking up with everyone who offers," Joe continued with eyebrows suggesting just how many offers he received regularly. "But we do hook up with other people sometimes, separate or together. You can't get everything in your life from one person."

"The worst part of being an older brother is when it takes you almost ten years to work out something like that and you manage it in less than two years. It's like having to wait years to be old enough to get a bike and then everyone gets one at the same time anyway. It's the opposite of a head start."

Joe shoved at Kevin and pulled him closer in one fluid movement. "You're the one who married older. It's that Gen Z or whatever, they're _wild_." He couldn't look more smug about it either.

They remained fully in each other's space, sides touching and arms twined. Joe lifted a hand to Kevin's face, pulling one of his curls loose from where it had been brushed back and letting the condensation from his finger holding the glass define it slightly. It was a meditative moment that brought them back to the real question between them.

"I'm not him though," Kevin whispered, afraid by invoking Nick, he could ruin everything. "That's what would make this fucked up."

"Maybe that's why I want another chance at it. You were there for me and I wasn't for you."

It was sincere and struck Kevin right in his most tender insecurities. "It was never your job to be."

"It wasn't your job to not need anything either. We both have so much now." It was a turn of phrase Joe has been using a lot when talking about them over the past months, a therapy mantra. Their lives were fuller, more diverse, with people and interests and spaces to exist, things that were each their own. "But that doesn't mean I don't want you to need me too."

Kevin traced the outline of Joe's lips with his finger, so close to his own. It was as intimate as he was willing to be in public. That was more than enough for Joe to work with, trust him to make anything obscene, with his tongue softly darting out, teasing, and big eyes looking up at him. Stronger men than Kevin had fallen for this and he didn't want to withstand the pull anymore. "Hope you remember the way back."

* * *

They left a safe estimate of a massive tip to make up for the fact they had stealth exited the bar, taking their glasses with them so they could continue drinking as they walked. They weren't a loud kind of drunk that might make a scene and get caught. Instead, they unhurriedly made their way along cobblestone side streets, bumping into each other's sides. Kevin slipped a hand under Joe's shirt when a bump morphed into Joe fully hanging on him, ostensibly in service of holding him up. Where there hadn't even been touch with safety between them for so long, it was electric to touch him with anticipation. Joe seemed reluctant to break the hold as they approached the doors of the hotel.

Kevin thanked some kind of power he didn't deserve favorable treatment from that no one who worked for them was in the lobby or the elevator. After deciding on Joe's room, neither of them rushed their way there, taking their time after entering with removing shoes, emptying pockets. It was to the point Kevin worried Joe had changed his mind altogether, the momentum broken.

Before Kevin could spiral, Joe crowded him from behind and rested his lips on Kevin's neck. It was familiar and a world away. Joe's voice was a low rumble as his fingers slipped between the buttons of Kevin's shirt, fingertips trailing along Kevin's chest. "Can I kiss you?"

Kevin turned around, keeping himself in the circle of Joe's arms. He had expected to find full blown lust directed at him but no, Joe looked as uncertain as Kevin felt, desperate for reassurance this was mutual. Kevin splayed a hand wide over Joe's jaw and neck, thumbing over his heavy scruff still short of a beard, before he nodded.

There was a daunting moment's hesitation before they brought their mouths together. Maybe without an emotionally devastated landscape engulfing them, they wouldn't be able to do this, the right instincts would kick in, tell them no. But Joe had done this with Nick long before they had gotten to that point. For Kevin's part, he had come to a truce with the part of himself that craved this, even when they were far apart, ever since given that first bittersweet taste.

This kiss was so much better than any Kevin remembered. Joe didn't come at him with an unrelenting advance, instead leading a teasing game back and forth, making Kevin chase his lips by inches before nipping at him and deepening the kiss once more. It meant there were moments where he could enjoy the soft fullness of Joe's lips when relaxed and safely pull away long enough to look into Joe's eyes, dark and heavy lidded but warm.

Kevin's hands slipped from Joe's jaw along the collar of his shirt. Even the act of unbuttoning Joe's shirt made his nerves ride up again, fingers fumbling halfway through. Joe calmed him with a hand over his. "How does moving to the bed sound?"

The idea they were trying to be smooth with each other was laughable, but there was a delicacy to it, laying out multiple safe paths of return. "Good, it sounds good." Joe finished the last of the buttons on his shirt and slid it off while backing up towards the bed. Once sat on the edge, he guided Kevin by the waist until he stood between his knees.

"Unbutton your shirt for me." Joe commanded softly, letting Kevin know it would be so easy to deny him. Kevin had no interest in denying Joe or himself anything. Joe watched raptly as if each extra inch of skin was an invaluable gift suddenly in this context, lips parted. When Kevin finished, shirt discarded as well, Joe dragged his fingertips over the curves of Kevin's biceps and down his forearms, barely short of ticklish. Kevin felt studied.

Satisfied with his examination of whatever he found in Kevin's body language, Joe leaned back onto the bed and pulled Kevin with him by the hand, shifting until they were fully horizontal with Kevin on top of Joe. Kevin's cheek in his hand, Joe spoke earnestly, "However you want me, however far you want to go. I want you to feel so good."

Kevin felt like some kind of precious virgin at thirty years old, relative to the care with which Joe handled him. But as he ran a hand over Joe's chest and down to skim over his thighs, Joe rocking up slightly as Kevin's hand passed over his groin, his one night of experience with Joe notwithstanding, he was about to go further with a guy than he ever had before. Instead of hovering over Joe, Kevin laid to his side, firmly connected shoulder to hip. He wanted to see what he was doing, eyes open.

Permission had been important tonight and now it was Kevin's turn. "Can I touch you?" he asked, with fingers ready at Joe's fly. Joe's eyebrows raised involuntarily in a reaction Kevin intimately knew to mean "no shit, of course," but Kevin waited for the nod to match.

Joe didn't interfere as Kevin got him out of his jeans and briefs, even as Kevin took the extra time to process what was happening, as deeply as he was able to at least. There were implications crossing over everything but in the moment, he tried to concentrate on how he, with the enthusiastic agreement from both parties, was touching the hard cock of someone he had extremely intense feelings for. Aside from that emotional weight, Joe's cock just looked so good in his hand.

He stroked Joe dry, slowly but firm, adapting to the change in angle. Joe was so worked up, his cock kept jerking back to his belly if Kevin let go to adjust his grip. "Shit, Joe, you're so…"

Joe ran his hand from where it had rested reassuringly in between Kevin's shoulders to the nape of his neck, nudging Kevin's gaze up to him rather than his groin. "So hard for you." Kevin's breath harshened at that. He was unable to look away, as with each pump of his hand, small microexpressions floated across Joe's face until eventually he tilted his head back with a reedy moan. Joe splayed his legs as much as he could with his jeans on, sliding a thigh between Kevin's.

When Kevin looked down again, the head of Joe's cock glistened with precome. He couldn't resist rubbing his thumb right through it, the stickiness and slide. It made Joe hiss and his back arch, his responsiveness fascinating to Kevin. The stimulation must have been too much Kevin thought as he repeated the motion, because Joe reached out to Kevin's wrist to still him. Then silently, ever so gently waiting for resistance, Joe lifted their hands to Kevin's mouth, waiting for his reaction. Would Kevin suck Joe's taste off his finger?

Joe was equally fascinated by Kevin licking over his own fingers as he was when Kevin gently sucked two of Joe's into his mouth. It hit Kevin with a sharp vivid certainty what he wanted. Kevin was surprised by the fervor in his own voice when he directed Joe to get up, take the rest of his clothes off. Joe complied quickly and arranged himself back on the bed according to Kevin's guidance, Kevin himself shifted down the bed with Joe's legs on either side of him.

If Joe hadn't been certain of Kevin's intention yet, he was now, staring down at Kevin, mouth slack, open inches from Joe's cock but not quite touching yet. Joe tried to be reassuring despite also being overwhelmed. "Oh fuck, Kev. Uh, don't feel like you have to actually like, suck it. Licking the sides or head, along with your hand, I promise it will feel so good. You're so -"

Kevin motioned with a hand on Joe's abs to silence him. "This may be my first time giving a blowjob, but I do know what one is. And I know I want to blow you, so if that's alright with you, just trust me, okay?"

"Fuck, that's so hot. Okay, okay. I'm serious though, go slow and don't worry about getting me off. Or don't complain about a sore jaw tomorrow."

Kevin scoffed but took the advice to heart anyway as Joe settled down, watching him intently. The taste, the weight, the heat were all new but made sense, details sliding into place in Kevin's fantasies. The coordination took the longest to get the hang of, settling into a contrasting tempo for his hand and mouth that had Joe on edge, whining incoherently except for the occasional _please, Kev, yes_.

He never took Joe in very deep but it didn't affect the level of praise. When Kevin slid his lips tightly over the crown to then pop back off with an obscene noise, Joe cursed in a rough voice. "You look so fucking good like that. Who knew you'd make such a gorgeous cocksucker?"

It shouldn't have sounded like so high a compliment, but it made Kevin glow, to be so fully the center of Joe's attention. Joe had his legs spread to the point the back of his thigh was held up by Kevin's shoulder, completely exposing himself. It would have been so easy to brush a fingertip over Joe's asshole if Kevin could just fix where his arms were but there was a lot to manage already.

Possibly, Joe was taunting him into it, and it was working, but then he interrupted before Kevin could make his move. "OK, OK, my turn. I want something too." Joe spoke with the urgency of a man who knew where his point of no return was and had just brushed up against it. It sounded more like begging than telling when he instructed Kevin to drop the rest of his clothes and get the lube from the drawer. "Slick yourself up."

Kevin nodded and complied, touching himself for the first time tonight with an overwhelmed hiss. "Don't you need like, something, first?" Kevin managed to ask, holding up his lubed up hand.

"Don't need it, get over here now." There were no walls between them right now, desires laid out bare. Joe knew no shame as he worked quickly to get the pillows moved into the best configuration.

"Well, damn, Joe. Make a guy feel special," Kevin mostly joked as he knelt between Joe's knees, already hiked up and ready.

"Fuck, that's not what I meant. No, you aren't the first guy to fuck me," Joe explained with a steady directness, "but it's more Sophie keeps me stretched often enough."

Kevin's brain stuttered for a second. "Wait, what?"

"With her strap on."

Kevin was glad he had himself in hand when Joe spoke so he could grip himself tightly at the base. It was already a fast pivot from rutting against the bed in his jeans to almost being inside Joe, but with that image, he was worried he would come before they even started. Some more adjustment gave him the chance to catch his breath but it was all happening very fast.

Kevin was basically lined up and as close to ready as he could be when Joe put his hands on Kevin's shoulders. "Kevin, wait. This is still a big deal though. And I want to - Fuck, I _really_ want you to fuck me. But, you didn't have to do any of this, you didn't have to give me another chance."

He tried to look Joe in the eye as he talked but it was too much. The tears started to rise in his throat, memories of nights alone hating himself for wanting this and hating the circumstances around how he found out it was even an option to want. He nuzzled into Joe's neck and breathed in the smell of him, faded cologne and smoke and skin, trying to ground himself again in the present.

Joe's lips brushed along Kevin's shoulders as he said, "I want you to know I'm sorry for how things went down before." There had been dozens of apologies from all of them, Nick the only one reticent with them but even so. Apologies that could encompass years worth of missteps. Kevin wasn't even sure he wanted one specifically for that night, if regret was the right word, but hearing it cracked a heavy weight in him.

Kevin set his jaw and the tears receded, less the few that escaped down Joe's neck, indistinguishable from the sweat trailing along his collarbone. Looking back up, he asked, "What about right now?"

Joe's face was open and vulnerable. "No, I'm not sorry for right now, not ever."

Kevin kissed him and it was like they had deprived themselves of oxygen since they stopped. Why had they ever stopped kissing? There must have been good reasons, Kevin wanting to take in every new part of this with his full attention, but he should have spent more time kissing Joe. It wasn't teasing and it wasn't forceful, it was _inexorable_. No space between them. Even when they stopped to breathe, no more than a second at a time, their lips stayed close, resting on each other's skin, sharing air.

The next few minutes played out with almost no talking, little nods of _ready?_ and _please._ Thick cockhead pressed against Joe's hole, it felt nothing short of impossible for Kevin to get anywhere inside of Joe, even with the amount of lube that was now smeared across both of their thighs from while they made out, until Joe beared down, tilting his hips up, and then it happens faster than Kevin was prepared for, knocking the breath out of him.

As a steady rhythm settled into place, Joe wrapped his legs around Kevin's waist and Kevin got accustomed to the slightly different angle and force needed, adapted to the tighter than tight clench. Joe seemed pleased and good, but Kevin wanted more than good. He wanted Joe to come from this, on his cock, and he had a certain window within which to accomplish that before he couldn't hold on any longer. So when he tried to reset himself from his knees slipping and abruptly Joe started keening and pulling at his own hair, back arched, Kevin held that angle no matter how his abs burned. There had to be a way to get a hand between them while supporting himself so he could bring Joe off but in trying, Joe grabbed for his hand, clasped it in his own above his head.

Regardless of the strain in his muscles, Kevin kept pushing, unwilling to let go of this moment with no sense of time or place. He felt the wet heat between them before he felt the wave of muscle contracting around him. Joe murmured with lips pressed into Kevin's wrist, "Please come for me. Kevin, for me."

Joe practically trembled through the last firm thrusts Kevin took for himself, shivering with overstimulation, but it didn't take much for Kevin to do as bid. The moment of climax itself was a white hot searing heat, a memory slipping away as soon as he tried to hold on to it. Kevin collapsed immediately after and absently tried to remember the last time he held a plank that long, giggling breathlessly with endorphins. It was by no means silent in the room, heaving breaths and uncomfortable groans as Kevin softened and pulled out of Joe, but they didn't talk yet. Joe propped himself up like he was considering for a second what it would take to clean up and then flopped back in defeat.

Rather, Kevin was the one to get a washcloth even when it felt like he could barely stand. That unsteadiness made it easy for Joe to pull him back to the bed after a cursory attempt at wiping up the mess. "Stay" he mumbled into Kevin's hair, and it was the most predictable surprise ever that Joe would want even more touch after.

It wasn't like he didn't want to be near Joe but getting cleaned up had been task, a reasonable excuse. With nothing to focus on but the moment and holding on to the warmth of each other, the tears started to rise in Kevin again. Joe kissing at his forehead and telling him how much he loved him didn't slow them down.

What moved Kevin from a small trickle of tears to an actual hiccough of a sob was that this was Joe holding him and Kevin had never seen him so fully as he did right now. This Joe who was living his life so authentically, so in love with a beautiful kind girl who supported all of his desires regardless, who was fucking amazing at being fucked, and loved his brothers way more than he should, even after the ways they'd hurt each other. Kevin loved Joe so much and it wasn't until he tried to say it, the same way Joe was saying it so easily, over and over, that Kevin realized how hard he was crying.

"Wow, that bad?" Joe asked sarcastically. Kevin was sure Joe could tell they weren't bad tears. The smirks softened into genuine smiles at each other, soft and warm and sated, and Joe ran a palm over Kevin's cheeks as if wiping the tears away was enough to wipe clean the lost years between them too.

"That good." If Joe found any tinge of sadness in Kevin's eyes, it was only from knowing the road they had to walk to get to this moment.

Kevin's hair had almost completely reverted to curls, soaked with sweat as they were, and Joe tugged each one into a separate ringlet as Kevin rested his head on Joe's chest. "You were wrong."

Being married, Kevin was perfectly familiar with the concept but he figured Joe was going somewhere with this. "Hmm?"

"This feels like it will change things."

Kevin _was_ changed inside by the evening so it stood to reason that it might change things between them, but it was shaping up to be a big year for change. "Maybe for the better though."

Joe hummed in agreement, slowing his fidgeting hands in Kevin's hair. "Do you think this will ever happen again?"

After a contemplative pause, Kevin rolled so they were side by side, Joe's arm still under his neck, both staring up at the ceiling, straight ahead into nothing. Kevin started to piece together in his head the words for what he was going to tell Dani. How many hours had he spent talking about his brothers to her? All he worried about was how to make her understand that what had happened tonight was different than what it had ever been before or what he thought it would be, that this wasn't a game to hurt any of them. He was possibly the most at peace he had ever been in his entire life. "Who knows what the next year will bring?"


End file.
